~* Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night? Have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right? Have you ever? Have you ever? *~ Brandy
The four of us kept singing until we ended up laughing our butts off. Taylor and Tasha started talking to each other on no particular subject while Zac and I couldn't even look at each other. Tasha and her little lover boy went out somewhere to talk about something in PRIVATE which left Zac and I alone in the dorm room.
"Um, I gotta go," Zac said quickly before sprinting out the door and shutting it behind him.
"Bye to you too," I mumbled, then sat down on my bed.
Zac liked me, I liked him too. And we couldn't even look at each other due to embarressment. What a romantic way to start a relationship! I didn't undersand why he said that I didn't like him or something. Hello, it was kinda obvious when I bluurted out the he was a precious, beautiful, wonderful angel! Ugh, men!
I wish him and I weren't ignoring each other. Oh God, I'd give anything to just stare into those gorgeous eyes as I held in my arms. If I could only whisper exactly how I felt in to his ear, if I only I could run my fingers through his golden locks that smelled so sweet, if only I could feel his lips on mine, if only...
My thoughts were disturbed when I realized that Milo was licking my toes. I looked down and smiled at him, he was obviously hungry. I filled his bowel with puppy chow, and scratched behind his ears when he was done. I picked him up and carried him to my bed, holding him in my arms as I lay under the covers of my warm bed. Soon, Milo feel asleep. My thoughts soon drifted to Zac, and how much love I felt for him. Everything he was, everything he did turned me on. Even his smile sent sparks flying. I'd give anything to have him be mine, anything.
I shut the door behind me and leaned against it. Tension seemed to be streaming into me, never releasing. Simply gathering and adding onto my troubles.
The only thought that posessed my brain was Lindsay. But there seemed to be layers and depth to that thought. It wasn't JUST her. It was my feelings for her, it was my respect for her, it was the way she made me feel. It was everything. It was simply her, and complicatedly her. It was just her. I had everything tied to an invisible string that seemed to tie around me and choke me with her at the other end. I liked her. I knew that much. I liked her alot. Not quite love, yet maybe it was. But something stepped in the way. Something like an invisible wall. I didn't know if it was shyness or fear of a relationship or maybe just this feeling that I would screw up. Everything was weighing down on me, making it seemingly hard to breathe.
I decided that water would drowned it and clear my thoughts. I pulled a cup from one of the tan oak cabinets. Walking over to the small refrigerator, I opened it and transfered some bottled Naya into my small plastic cup. Rather than drink, I stared it, moving the cup in an ever so gentle circle, I could form rings in the water. Lindsay still never left my mind. Her hair, her eyes, her skin. Her. It was as if I was under a spell. Hypnotized perhaps.
I walked over to the window and sat the cup down on the bedside table before leaning against the sill, gazing out at an endless stretch of night, soaked with precipitation.
I layed down on the bed, staring into nothing and yet seeing everything. Remembering petting Milo and brushing her hand, remembering whopping her bootie at the Arcade. I could see myself running after her car as she pretended to drive off. I felt myself smile.
Her. Sleep opened its gates and I greatfully slipped inside, leaving all worries of the real world behind and basking in the warmth and serenity of dream land.
Taylor leaned against the wall, his left foot on the wall next to his right knee. The hallway lights shone in his blue eyes and flaxen hair, giving him an almost angelic appearance.
As he talked, the words he was saying could be almost illustrated on his face, expressed in emotions and smiles. Sometimes small laughs and other times a sincere and deep look. Almost earnest.
As he talked about Zac and Lindsay, I couldn't help but smile. I think everyone knew what was going on between the two of them. Taylor continued talking animatedly as I pondered what we would be like in 4 years.
I stood there with my arms crossed in a relaxed position and one foot straight under me while the right foot was a tad bit to my right. The infamous girl position as my brother called it.
I would smile along with Taylor and laugh softly as he told a jooke or kidded about his brother and my room mate.
After a while of talking about this his face got really serious.
"Tash. Listen. I don't know how to say this. I..." He stumbled for a moment for the right words.
I immediatly prepared for the worst and ordered myself not to cry if it came to that.
The smile vanished from my face and a serious and concerned one replaced it. I looked into his eyes, seeing sorrow and regret. Rather than run down the hallway, convinced that he was going to break up with me, I stood there.
Ready to hear him say it or mention something else. Finally he continued his sentence, seemingly getting a grasp on his thoughts and putting words to them.
"Tasha, we've been going out for a couple days now right?" I nodded. "And it has seemed like longer than that. I mean, with you, everything is worth while and every moment is lived to its fullest. I've never felt like that with anyone else."
He reached over and tucked my hair behind my left ear. I raised my hand and held his own, leaning my head against the warmness of his palm. What could have happened? Why did he look so sad?
"But I've done some things. Things that make me feel like you are too good for me. And I can't bare to tie you down like that..."
I cut him off.
"Taylor, you are not tying me down. And no matter what you do, I have sincere and complete respect and trust in you. I love you. You know that. And if it bothers you, tell me. But you can't just end things like that. You are not tying me down, and I refuse to let you go from obligation. If you don't love me, that's one thing. But feeling like you are tying me down is quite another. You do still love me don't you?" I asked, watching as his face displayed emotions that I had never seen before.
An almost sad happiness.
He nodded that he did.
"Then don't leave me." I answered.
He nodded again and hugged me, tears coming from his eyes. I reached up and wiped them away before gently kissing him and holding him too tight to let go.
We stayed like that for a while, just enjoying each other's presence. Just being.