I was sick of it. Completely sick of it. I had been yelled at enough. I love the girl, I love her with all my heart. (I love you too Zac! LoL) But this was just too much. And after Tasha's ridiculous suggestion that she was drinking, I knew that I had to get to the bottom of it all.
I twisted the doorknob of Lindsay's bedroom door silently so I wouldn't disturb her. There was no need to get her upset.
I stepped back a couple paces and started running full force towards the door only to be tackled to the ground right before I made contact. I raised my head to see Tasha sitting on top of me.
"What the hell?" I blurted out.
She whispered, "Barging in is gonna get the shit kicked out of you. Besides, the hinges are on the outside of the door. Just pull out the bolts and the door will come out." She suggested.
I blushed like crazy, how could I have been so stupid? She stood up from sitting on my ribs and I got up as well promptly reaching over and pulling out the bolts.
As Tasha said, the door came down easily and quietly.Lindsay was passed out on her bed with a Vodka bottle in her hand. Tasha went over and snatched it out of her hand before throwing it against the wall in a burst of anger.
Lindsay shot awake to see me looking very upset and Tasha looking very pissed. Lindsay had obviously been drinking. And then Lindsay's face contorted to anger.
Thinking of nothing better to do, I walked over and grabbed her by the arms and with little struggle, put her in the bathroom and locked it. I hoped the alcohol would leave her system soon so that I could talk to her rationally.
Tasha in the mean time, busied herself by grabbing all the Vodka bottles out of the closet and heading somewhere to dump them. I sat outside the bathroom door, trying not to cry.
Was I not enough of a reassurance? Was I not there for her? Why did she turn to liquor instead of me?
~* Show me the meaning of being lonely. Is this the feeling I need to walk with? Tell me why I can't be there where you are! There's something missing in my heart...*~ BSB
At first I banged on the door, throwing a temper tantrum to be let out. I kept it up for 3 hours straight. I take my stubbornness from Jen. That's one thing that she taught me. Never back down, never. Well, seeing that my having a fit didn't get me anywhere, I sat down in the corner and pouted. I pouted for yet another three hours until the sun set and it got dark. And I was STILL locked in this dark, freezing cold bathroom; the only light being the shining moon outside of the window.
My body kept shaking. I had to have the vodka. But that wasn't what I wanted. I wanted my Mother. I needed her to hold me in her arms, soothing my nerves with her touch, telling me everything was going to be all right.
She was the only one who could calm me down when I was upset. The only one. No one else had her soothing power, and no one ever will. If it wasn't for her I would have never been able to handle Jen's death. I would have given up completely. But Mom helped me through it. She was my whole reason to live, she was everything. I felt like a helpless young child, I couldn't do anything without knowing Mom was behind me. I was completely dependent on her. She was my encouragement, my motivation to to be better. We had a golden bond that was made in Heaven. Now that she's gone, I couldn't even get through basic functioning. I needed her.
I needed my Mommy.
I bowed my head, hiding it in my knees that I was hugging against my chest and cried. I didn't want to be here. None of them understood. They expected me to be like, "Oh look, my Mom just died. Oh well! Let's sing camp songs and make smores everyone!" What the Hell did they think I was?! Immune to pain?!!
That's what they wanted me to be. I wasn't allowed to have problems, to cry, to feel pain. I was supposed to be the hyper girl who is always happy. What the hell! I'm a friggen human being! Good God, they knew that my Mom was the essence of my being, and then they wonder why I try to kill myself when she dies!!! And they didn't even care that my life was ruined! They said, Oh its okay, everything's fine; they didn't care. They just wanted me to shut up. God forbid you're not the only one with a life. And even if they did care they didn't understand. They didn't loose their Mom, their lives are perfect. How the hell could they comfort me? They didn't want to anyway. And I have proof of that. As soon as I got back from the cabin that night Mom died, Tahsa was like, "Oh poor Zac, he had to take a minute to care about Lindsay, he's under so much stress, Lindsay's so evil, oh God forbid she have human emotions, oh," I swear, I hate her so much! I hate them all! I was so stupid! How could I ever think they were actually my friends?!
I wanted to leave here. I needed my family, the only ones who cared and understood. They were the only ones I had. I had to get to them, and I had to get them NOW.
I lifted up my head and looked at the window. Duh!! Why didn't I use that before?! I guess I was just too upset to use common knowledge. And it would be stupid to escape when everyone was awake, they'd drag me back to be tortured. But they couldn't stop me now.
I forced myself to pull me up, I couldn't believe how weak I was. I was tired. But I had to get out of here. I'd die if I stayed. When I finally stood up I had to grab onto to something so I wouldn't fall over. I got my strength back and slowly walked to window and opened it. My God, it was cold! I put my hands up and somehow managed to pull my body up. I was halfway inside, halfway outside. I pushed myself forward and fell face flat into the snowy ground below me.
'Ouch.' I thought. I pulled myself up and started walking slowly. My weakness catching up with me. I hugged myself to keep warm while shivering. I was hardly dressed to be out in the cold. The wind was blowing ruffly and snow was pounding onto the ground from the black sky, making it a struggle to even take two steps; my low strength making it even harder. I'm so tired.
'Keep moving,' I told myself. 'You have to keep going, you need to get away from here and go back where you're wanted. You have to keep going, try harder,'
I struggled to go another 4 feet until my strength completely vanished and I collapsed, burying in the snow.
'Get up! You have to get up!' my mind screamed.
I tried to move, but I couldn't. I struggled so much, but my muscles refused to corporate.
'I have to get to my family! I have to get to them! Oh Mom, where are you?! I need you! Please, help me!' those were my last thoughts, and then everything turned black.