'You're not here...there's no shadow moonfell..there's no you anymore...and I feel that Its all been in vain all that's left is the pain. And my heart breaks in two. How I wish you were here. I admit that I'm missing you. Lock the door. Wanna be all alone. WIth the memories of you.' ~Cassiopeia
Jared dropped me off in front of my dorm door.
I turned to him.
"I had fun tonight."
"Yeah. Me too." He leaned and kissed me quickly before looking at his watch and saying that he had to go. He hurried off down the hallway towards his car.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Men."
With that, I pushed open the door. I guess Lindsay had forgotten to lock it. The bathroom light was on. I went over and knocked on it with my free hand while I slid off my shoes and took out my earrings.
I could hear her throwing up in the backroom. I know she wasn't sick...maybe it's something she ate.
She came out a bit after that as I stood there in my robe, washing off my make up at the small sink that wasn't in the bathroom.
"You sick?" I asked.
"Um ....yeah...I'm not feeling too good." She admitted.
"Alright. Then go ahead and get some sleep. It's late anyway. Where did you sneak off to tonight?"
I sat down on the edge of my bed and looked at my painted baby yellow nails.
"Well, I caught Ewan cheating on me and.." I think that the realisation must have suddenly hit her cuz she broke down into tears. "The bastard was cheating on Me, Tash. Right in the same restuarant!" The tears flowed down her cheeks and I jumped up and handed her some kleenex before sitting down beside her and putting my arm around her shoulders.
"Lindsay, he wasn't worth it. I'll admit he was cute but no offense or anything, he had sleeze written all over him." I tried to comfort.
She just cried harder.
Damn. Guess I'll try again.
Suddenly an idea hit me.
"You know...this leaves you free for the Zac-man." I raised my eyebrows suggestively and she looked up and started laughing at me.
"Tash...do you...do..do you even realise who they are?" She was now laughing and crying at the same time.
"Lindsay, you can't laugh and cry at the same time. That's cheating and its against the rules.
She just laughed even harder.
"I can't believe you didn't realise..." she continued.
Now I was truly confused. "Huh? Realise what?" I knitted my eyebrows in perplexity.
"Zac and Taylor. Brothers. Does that ring a bell? Here's another clue. I met their older brother Isaac at the bar earlier."
I was about to ask about the bar but I had just realised what she was talking about. "Those guys are Hanson??!! Jesus, we must have looked like such ditzes!! I even said that he looked familiar but couldn't recall who he was. They must think we are such dimwits!!"
"I know...I know. That's what I thought when I realised it."
"What were you doing at a bar Lindsay?" I finally asked.
"Well, I wanted a beer to drown the memory of scum-bag but Ike was a bartender and instead of a beer, he gave me a tea instead. We started talking and he gave me a ride home." Lindsay explained.
"Lindsay, Ike was right. Don't start drinking. It can ruin your life." I looked at my hands shamefully.
"I would know. Just don't do it. K?" I told her.
"I know. I realised that. But what do you mean that you would know?" SHe pried.
"That is a secret to myself. I am sure you have yours. Leave me mine." Lindsay gave me a guilty look that clearly stated that she DID have a secret.
"Look, maybe we can tell each other sometime. I'm just not willing to bring up the past when I have been given a chance for a new beginning here at the university." I clarified.
Lindsay nodded in agreement.
"Well," I stood up. "I'm gonna get ready for bed. I have a car to purchase tomorrow and I'll probably get that papisan I was talking about. Is red good?" I had to smile at the prospect of getting a car.
"No. I want blue." She decided.
"But I want red." I disagreed.
"How about we get a two sided one and we can just flip it to our color when we sit on it."
Lindsay appeared to think about it for a minute before agreeing.
"Good. Now, I really have to go to the bathroom. G'night Lindsay."
I walked in their with my donald duck boxers and huge black tanktop and came out a couple of minutes later.
I hopped straight into bed and had sweet dreams of my new car. But a familiar guy popped up in my dreams.
And it wasn't Jared.
~* I smile even though I'm crying. I'm lively even though I'm dying. Not being true, I can't stop lying. Will it end? No, coz I'm not trying. *~ Lindsay
I layed awake in bed, listening to Tasha's heavy breaths. I knew what she had meant earlier, it's not that hard to figure out by her hint and the look on her face. She ruined her life with alchohal, probably had to go into rehab. I felt sad for her, but I couldn't say anything. It was her business, not mine. And anyway, it's all in the past. I bet she still thinks that I don't know what happened to her. Well, even though she might think otherwise, I'm not that stupid. Especially when it comes to those things.
I wish I hadn't cried in front of Tasha. When bad things happen, I set a goal not to cry. I hate crying, I wept too much when Jen died, I wanted to get rid of all my tears for good. I was so close to being the stronger person I wanted to be, but telling my feelings to Tasha just made me feel worse. I guess I was trying ignore what happened and it just blew up inside. I vowed to at least try to never cry about anything again. Especially that fag. I'm strong, and I'm gonna strain myself to prove it.
Anyway, I felt queazy again. I think it's a side affect when your belimic, usually it just occures for the first two days. I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable so I couldn't feel my stomach problems. I gabbed my stomach in pain, then felt something rise up. I covered my mouth, shot up outta the bed, sprinted into the bathroom, pulled my hair back with my free hand, and soon started to barf up a storm in the toilet. Not only did i feel sick, my whole body hurt from the pain of not having food. But I noticed that my ribs seemed to be sticking out a little more now. Before, when I sucked in you see them like, perfectly. Now I didn't have to suck in, they were there. I was glad about that, but felt aweful because of all the pain.
Just when I thought the puking was over, I felt another surge of vomit. My caughing must have woken Tasha up coz she then walked into the bathroom, shocked.
"Holy crap child!" she exclaimed, holding my hair back.
"Why do you keep barfing? You seemed fine earlier," she asked, somewhat suspicious.
"I think my tea was spiked, ugh," I groaned before I threw up again. When I stopped throwing up, Tasha flushed the toilet and helped clean my face. Then she handed me a Peptobismal chweable.
"Thanks," I replied, popping the pill in my mouth.
"Are you sure that it was tea?" she asked, somewhat skeptical.
"It had to be." I answered.
"Alright. Hope you feel better, goodnight," she wished, walking out of the room.
"Thanks, goodnight," I called. She smiled and layed back down in bed.
I shut the door and looked in the mirror. It was the same reflection, but different. Oh well. I had to figure out a way to keep this a secret from Tasha. I thought a little while before I came to my conclusion. When no body was around or cared that I wasn't feeding myself, I wouldn't eat. But on the situations that people were around and were expecting me to eat, a few minutes after I was fifnshed I'd excuse mysefl to go to the bathroom and then do my business. And so Tasha wouldn't expect something, I'd act like I was on a diet by eating small samples of all the diet stuff I bought earlier that day. Yes, I could pull this off. And soon, I'd be thin. I felt bad for decieving Tasha. But like she said, we both have our secrets that stay to ourselves. This was my secret. Also that I was head over heels in love with Zac but I think she figured that one out.
I opened the door and walked to my bed, lying down and pulling the covers over my body. My mind was filled with fantisies (clean ones) of Zac. And also I wondered if that girl was his girlfriend. Anyways, I fell asleep and dreamed about me and Zac together.
*Sometimes the bright light before my eyes, fades to dark, warmness freezing to ice, I don't wanna hear that you don't love me anymore, so I'll deal with the cold and dream of the warm. DOn't tell me you don't love me, don't tell me that you won't see me again, don't tell me you don't love me, we can't just be friends.*~Tasha (AN from Lindsay: Dude, this poem kicks ass!! You go girl!)
I couldn't sleep. Lord knows I tried, but my body refused to cooperate. I could hear that Lindsay was awake for a couple minutes so I did like I had done several years before and faked sleep. I'm sure Lindsay thought she had figured me out, but I doubt that she could figure out the whole story. And I am sure that she thought it was clear to me that she was sick. And I have to admit that it was a good lie and pulled off pretty well, but my sister died of bulemia and I knew it when I saw it. I decided to stay quiet about it. I know what could happen if I did, but I didn't want to risk our friendship. I thought that I could stop her. And I am sure I could. I would just wait a bit and confront her later. If I asked her about it, she would ask me about alcoholism. And I just couldn't deal with bringing that up.
Finally, after Lindsay had slipped into slumber, I got up and walked around the room. I got bored with that quickly and quietly slipped out the door and started walking down the hallway. I saw a light under one of the doors. Someone else was up besides me. I stopped and listened for a bit to see if I could recognize the voice. One was definately Taylor's.
I knocked on the door. 5 seconds later, a boxer clad Taylor opened the door.
I blushed a bit before saying, "Hi, what are you doing up?" I had absolutely NO idea on what to say.
"Um, not much. What are you doing walking the halls at 1 in the morning?"
"Can't sleep." I admitted.
"Me neither. You wanna come in?" Taylor invited.
I thought a bit. WHat should happen if Lindsay woke up and found me gone? 'Nah. the chances of that are slim.' I thought to myself. "Sure." I stepped through the door and saw Zac sprawled across a HUGE green papisan.
"Hey cool! I am going to go get one of those tomorrow. When I get my car. Lindsay and I were just talking about that!" I exclaimed.
Zac shot up at the word Lindsay. He was wearing blue flannel boxers and a baggy t-shirt. **(since when do guys wear tank tops Tasha?)**
"She's sleeping Zac." I told him before he could even ask.
"Oh." He looked disappointed. He leaned back and continued watching the TV.
"So, you are getting a car tomorrow?" Taylor asked me.
"Yeah. My parents sent me the money to get one because they said if I got the scholarship, they got the car for me. And I got the scholarship so I get the wheels." I grinned.
"Cool. So what kind ae you getting?" He asked me sitting down on the edge of his bed. I sat indian-style on the floor.
"Um, I dunno. But it has to be a ford. Or a Toyota." I had just realised that I didn't even know what Kind of car I wanted.
"Cool. Good luck finding one."
"Well, you wanna come with me to find a car? YOu obviously already have one and I couldn't tell a good deal from a bad one if someone sat there and wrote it on there for me!" I laughed.
Zac looked over at me and gave me a 'you are so OBVIOUSLY flirting' look. I just stuck my tongue out at him and went back to talking with Taylor. He agreed to come with me and I joked with Zac about braiding his hair into tiny little braids. He looked away from me for a bit and said "Nah. I don't think it would look good."
I just smiled befire saying " I don't see why not. You did it in the MMMBop video and at the concert in Houston that I went to."
I had to laugh at the expression on his face when he turned to me. He was clearly surprised.
"You know who we are??" Taylor asked incredulously.
"Yep. Well....actually, Lindsay and I figured it out a while after we met you guys. I'm surprised we didn't think of it sooner since we have the Albertane poster in our closet. Go figure." I laughed.
The boys smiled too and then we continued chatting for another couple of minutes.
I was getting really tired but I didn't say anything. At some point or another, I leaned back onto the edge of the bed and fell asleep.
~*I'm in heaven with my boyfriend, my loving boyfriend. There's no begining but there is no end. Feels like I'm dreaming but I'm not sleeping.*~ Mariah Carey
I was swaying back in forth in Zac's loving arms to 'I Do' by 98 Degrees, my long Emerald gown moving along the ball room floor along with my movements. My head was resting on his shoulder and I could smell his colounge. He was wearing a tuxedo and he left his long, flowing locks of gold down to rest on his shoulders with my head. He was holding me close to his warm body, his hands caressing my back every now and then.
"In case I haven't told you, you look beautiful tonight," he whispered softly in my ear. It sent me wonderful chills.
"Thank you angel. You look really handsome yourself," I whispered back, hoping I could give him the same feeling he gave me.
He smiled, then kissed me. A few minutes later, we broke apart and Zac stared into my eyes with pure seduction. I felt my heart beat faster and faster by the second.
"Lindsay," he breathed.
"Yes?" I encouraged.
"BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!" He replied.
Before I could ask 'What the hell did you just say?", I woke up realizing it was all a dream.
"DAMMIT!" I yelled, punching my pillow.
I turned my annoying alarm off and looked at my clock. 6:30. I remembered I needed to get to class. I cursed my luck under my breath and stretched before going into the bathroom. I took a quick shower and all that good stuff, then got dressed. Since I let my hair air dry, I put it up for a minute to make sure I didn't get my white Old Navy t-shirt wet. I put on a pair of baggy Lee Dunderees and my brown Dr. Marton boots. I don't wear too much makeup, just lipstick and light eyeshadow. In my opion, I think I look worse with a lot of makeup on, so I don'e wear to much. I put those on and made my hair air dry faster with my brush and towel. It dried in about 20 minutes, and I put on my navy blue Adidas baseball cap on. I looked in the mirrior, I looked descent. I gathered up my stuff and put it all in my black bookbag. I took my vitamin with a glass of water. If I let something in my system, it's a vitamin so I can actually think in class. I was ready to go. Just as I was about to walk out the door, I realized Tasha wasn't there. I got worried then remebered that she had woken me up by going outside and I believe in somebody else's dorm room, someone she knew. So she wasn't being abducted by aliens or something. I usually sleep through WW2, but Tasha had been pretty loud and I woke up. She didn't disturb too much, but I was still pissed that she woke me up. Oh well, I did fall back asleep after 5 minutes so it didn't really matter.
I shrugged and opened the door, then closed it behind me. I locked it, then strolled out of the dorm and across the campass to my class. It was chilly that morning, and I wished I had long sleeves on. I stopped and put my blue flannel shirt on over my Old Navy shirt, the flannel open so you could see my shirt. I zipped the book bag up, slung it over my shoulder, and continued to walk to my class. There were people around me everywhere, socializing and smiling. I saw a couple kiss and my heart fell to the floor. I looked away and shook the feeling off.
I reached the building and opened the wooden door that had the room number printed on the glass. I looked around, the seats circling what I imagined as like a stage. I saw lots of people around me also. Most of them were socializing, the others preparing for class. Due to my slight shyness, I decided too prepare for class instead of meeting new people. I found myself a preferable seat and climbed up the stairs to it. There was an open seat to my left also. To my right was a guy who was basically the clone of Scott Moffatt. (That means he's a sexy stud, but Zac's beter hehehehe) I couldn't help but look at his concentrated face for about a minute, then he looked up at me. I blushed and turned my head away. He smiled and blushed also, then went back to his work on writing something down on paper.
I got out my tape recorder (for notes since the professer dude talks at 500 mph), my notebook, and a sharpened pencil that had Queen Amildala's picture drawn on it. Yes, I am obsessed with Star Wars, you don't have to tell me. Anyway, I zipped my bookbag up and set it down by my feet. I doddled some on my paper when I heard a male voice call my name. I looked up, then donwards to see none other than Zac waving at me. I smiled back, feeling my cheeks flush. He was wearing brown boots, baggy carpenter pants, a white T-shirt that had the alien cartoon on it, had his hair in a low pony tail, and was wearing the same exact hat as me(!!), only it was backwards. Wooh baby, he looked hot!
Anyway, Zac climbed up the stairs and sat down in the seat next to me. We started off talking with the basics, good morning, talking about class, how we hated to get up in the morning even though we could be considered morning people. I finally decided to bring the subject of Tahsa's prescence up.
"Hey, you wouldn't happen to know where Tahsa is, do you?" I asked.
"Yeah, you came in our room at like 1 in the morning saying she couldn't sleep. But when she did she fall asleep against Tay's bed." he explained.
"Go figure. Hmm, somehow I thought that she'd prefer to sleep ON Taylor's bed," I teased.
Zac laughed and added, "Well, they were flirting with each other before they fell asleep. I know Taylor likes her coz he won't shut up at about how gorgeous she is and how miserable his life is wothout her since she has a boyfriend, and Tahsa's just a flirt so they want each other BAD! After she was asleep, Taylor made this like speech at how she looked like an angel or whatever and tucked her in to his bed. He slept on the couch and fell asleep watching her breathe. They're in love, it's so obvious,"
"I know, I could kinda tell by the way she was hitting on him at Krogers," I mentioned.
We both laughed histarically as we cracked jokes about their unofficial romance. After we calmed down, the girl that I saw him with entered my mind, I had to ask him about it.
"So, was that your girlfriend you were talking to last night at the resturant?" I asked.
Zac looked at me like I was nuts and then started laughing.
"What?" I basically demanded.
"No, no, no! That was my sister, Avery! I looked like I was flirting with her coz I was buggung her about some guy she saw that she thought looked hot or whatever," he explained, still laughing.
"Oh," I spoke, embarressed.
"Why do you ask?" he inquired.
I looked at him sarcastically and said, "Oh yeah, I want you soooooo bad Zac, I'm sure,"
"Oh, I know you do," he joked.
"No, I think it's that you want me,"
"So, how's things with you and your boyfriend?"
"Oh, I'm sure he's plenty happy with Baby Spice now, since she's more impotant to him than I am,"
"Ewan was cheating on my with some bimboo Zac. Him and I aren't going out anymore, and never will again, the bastard,"
"Oh. I'm sorry that happened,"
"I know, I am too. But I guess that happends when you date a pimp for fore or five years,"
"You went out that long?"
"Hmm. Well, he probably didn't deserve you anyway. And I don't think you'll have any problems finding the man of your dreams or whatever,"
"Thanks," I was blushing.
"You know, that same thing happened to me on my last relationship. I was seeing this girl for about, hmm, maybe 5 months. I take her out to dinner, she says she has to go to the bathroom, I go to see if she's okay, and she making out with some jock. I blew it and nearly kicked that jocks ass untill someone broke the fight up. I never saw that whore again, thank God."
"That's a shame that happened to you, you didn't deserve it,"
"I know. But it's in the past so it doesn't matter."
"Just out of curiosity, do you have a girlfriend?"
"No, I'm single right now."
'YES!!!' I thought.
We talked some more until class started. We booth started recording the guy talk and wrote down in our logs what our first assingment was. Write a short story envolving a game of cards. Right away the wheels in my head started turning. After class was over, Zac invited me to go get something to eat. I agreed. I didn't want him to suspect something was up. Besides, I'd just pull off the bathroom lie. He wouldn't know.
We got to his car, a VW Bug, and drove off to this Deli type place. When we were talking at the table, he brought up the subject of one of his friends being anerixic. The way he looked in my eyes when he talked about it made me feel really uncomfortable. It's like he knew what I was doing to myself. I didn't see how he could. Tahsa couldn't have told him coz she didn't know either!
"I just think it's pathetic that someone could do that to themself. I mean, you are who you are and accept it. And if other people can't, then screw them! It's not their body, so others shouldn't worry what people think of their figure. It's just really stupid in my opion," he concluded.
"Yeah," I retutned, looking at my hands.
"Is something worng? You look really upset," he asked, concerned.
"I know someone who is bulimec that's all. The anerxic talk made me think of her," I admitted.
"Oh. You should get her help then," he commented.
"She has to help herself, I can't do anything for her." I returned.
"I guess that's true. But getting help does motivate someone," he spoke.
"I guess so." I said softly.
He smiled at me when I looked up at him.
"Excuse me, but nature calls," I excused, sitting up and taking my book bag along with me.
"Okieday, I'll be right here," he returned.
I smiled at him and went to the the bathrooms. I quickly thanked God that it was a single stull one and went in and then locked the door. I lifted the toilet seat up and di my thing quietly. After I was finished I flushed the toilet, washed my hands and mouth off, brushed my teeth so I wouldn't smell like barf, put on my lipstcik, and stared to chew on a piece of Winterfresh. I walked out and back to the table. Zac greeted me with a smile and I did the same, sitting back down.
"Hey, I thought that Zac Hanson would be taking music instead of journalism?" I asked.
"Well, I think I know what I need to know about music, and I took journalism coz I like writing songs and stuff. I was gonna take the art class but I decided against it. This coomic book place said I didn't need a degree in art since they were impressed with my work, but I need a degree in something so they could hire me. The boss was impressed woth my journalism choice, so I'm hired as soon as I get my bachlor's," he explained.
"Cool dude, glad you have your future planned out," I returned.
"Thanks. How's bout you?" he inquired.
"I wanna be a professional author, hopefully a famous one. But in case that fails, I'm also taking the drama course that's twice a week on Wendsday and Thursday nights. Hopefully I'll get a speaking part in the some of the plays. But if that fails too, my older sister will hire me as an editor for her magazine," I answered.
"Awesome. Good luck to ya," he wished.
"Thanks, you too,"
We talked some more, then the two of us headed to the campus to work on our assignments. We went our seperate ways to our rooms and agreed to see each other later that day. I was still worried that he might have figured me out, but I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. There's no way he could. And it was going to stay that way.